home

she/it/xer

hiii! i'm doe. i make things!- (like this website) including characters, art, animations (sometimes..) and other things i suppose.

roblox is fun! i like roblox, specifically the game Creatures Of Sonaria. I met a lot of good friends on there.

uhhhh what else, i'm not very good at writing intros. but feel free to poke around! this is just for silliness,

a place i can call my own :). i made a website beforehand, but i needed a hard restart lol, so i made this from scratch :)

chatbox

blog

• 11 . 02 . 2024

  already been a month. yikes. lots has happened, i am diagnosed with BPD. I told my parents, they do not believe me. especially mum, she lost her shit.we haven't talked about it since then. it's been a week. I hope we never talk about that again, but dad is forbidding me to get therapy until the family talks about it. No medication or therapy for the debilitating disorder that is ruining my life! we love to see it x. anyway, i've been slow with art, with everything, really. i haven't gone outside in so long, i haven't really caught up with anyone too much

  i see people going out to parties and having a blast, yet i am sitting home all day every day. finding a job is hard. i hate it.

  so i am going out by myself tomorrow, i'm going to look rlly cool and exciting, and i am going to go ice skating. i will buy myself flowers and hang them on my wall. sadly, i cannot go into Lush because my ex and I used to go to Lush every time we saw each other.

  my bath is too small anyway, but maybe i could just sit there.

  i will make myself lego as well! i'm sure it'll be fun. maybe i will interact with someone and make a friend, but not many people go ice skating by themselves i think.

  i wanna update more kiyoko lore too, but i simply have no motivation for anything. i thought i would be doing something with one of my friends, but they are doing it with other friends. that is okay. it is out of my control.

• 11 . 01 . 2024

  well. i woke up today, that was something i guess. i'm not feeling well. everything is too much yet not ever enough and i'm confused all the time. my father isn't liking me today for some reason, although i'm not exactly sure what i've done. i can't ask him though, or he will get mad. i told him about my nightmares, and about how all my dreams last night were hellish and that it took a physical toll on my body. and he just, said okay. i'm not exactly sure why i open up and expect a different response. my mum gets upset i don't talk to her, but whenever i do she's just. quiet. that or she disregards and talks about something else, or gets upset by what i said and then blows up. i don't think she understand that i don't mean any harm. i never do, i dislike hurting people and their feelings.

  i am tired.

  i am going to write more about Ether City and what the plague is. i've decided that the "zombie disease" is actualy a prion, and it would affect the thyroid first instead of the brain. Of course it would develop into the brain, but the thyroid is always the first point. i will write everything down in its own section.

• 09 . 01 . 2024

  i have been alone for 12 hours. so eepy. did SO many things oh my god. cleaned some of my wardrobe (the worst part), and most of my floor! also made my bed and lit a candle. blehhhhhhhhhhhhh :[. i miss my friend

• 08 . 01 . 2024

  there's no fucking way it's already been a week. so much has happened yet nothing at all. however i did manage to get my flowers to stay up on my wall, and i don't know if that other person really wants to see me again or not. i don't really care if they don't want to see me. her dog was cute tho, so that's a shame. i accidentally smoked a whole blunt instead of half of one last night (zoned out..) so that was pretty fun tbh. fell asleep around 12 and slept for 2 hours after i drew my secondary sona. played roblox a lot today and went rollerblading. i want to disappear from the world lol.

• 04 . 01 . 2024

  my room is a tip. mother dearest has grounded me although i am an adult, which she never treats me like one anyways so its a bit funny. been obsesse w tv girl and mitski recently, gonna have to update my collection. i haven't really been doing good or bad, i've just been. floating along. met someone new, they treat me well. they picked me a flower :). bought flowers for myself, and hung them up on my wall. they keep falling down. i am tired.

• 01 . 01 . 2024

  tis 1:41am as i am currently writing this. i am eepy. but!! i had a very yippie new years. even if some parts of it sucked, i got to play roblox and spend new years w her, which was lovely. ROBLOSSSSS anyways this year might be fun who knows.... god another is already done it is officially grind time for MONEY AND JOB yippie...

• 27 . 12 . 2023

  SOMEONE told me to update this otherwise she'd b sad so here i am. i am updating. i didn't do much today but i did experience the Horrors and pine and also eat dinner which was scrummy. finally could taset water again without wanting to puke ( been sick) but man are my vocal chords fried. it's gotten better at night but in the morning it'll probably be bad again.

  i did get three really really beautiful shells (i will put a photo later) and my dogs are currently sleeping besides me. if i keep going i will ramble too much and it will become irrelavent and confusing info so i will sign off and go rot in bed

• 25 . 12 . 2023

  christmas!! yippie! currently listening to 505 by arctic monkeys. banger tbh. christmnas was good!! i got good presents, i have a lot to spend now :) i bought a friend something but i couldn't wait until today to give it to them, so i gave it to them last night instead. i think they liked it, which is good. my dogs got presents too, and i got to wear my pretty dress. i also put on makeup, mostly just eyeshadow and blush and a litle mascara. i love doing eyeshadow esp with my palettes. i always do pinks and gold.

  we had a good lunch and a good dessert too, my family always cooks really really good things. good is a big understatement but just imagine tasting a bite of an angels cheek. powdered with the snowflakes from heaven.

• 23 . 12 . 2023

  the night before the day before christmas !! sort of excited, sort of not.

  i'll update tmr

• 21 . 12 . 2023

  well!! past few days have been interesting. i did a lot. i saw my little cousins, we decorated gingerbread houses, smashed them (im slowly taking mine apart bc i hate destroying things in such a brutal way), and called a lot. i don't think one of my friends likes me very much anymore, but that is okay i guess. i also added more songs to my playlist, found out i like gin in cocktails and that not all alcohol has an awful aftertaste and that vodka was just gross. i drew today, i wore swimmers and swam and i think i looked nice for once. i practiced eyeshadow and i took care of the dogs.

  i stayed up late(early..?) last night/this morning, i only got around 4 hours of sleep. i had a nap after i helped make breakfast though, and have just been lazing about. just been thinking a lot tbh. i playyed some stardew valley as well.

• 17 . 12 . 2023

  it feels like it has been 3 days. but! i've been super productive. i'm happy :3. i did end up putting a section for my thoughts, i'm kinda nervous about it but nobody visits this website anyways :))) i like talking to a void. it can't process what i'm saying or respond, yet i don't fee ignored. maybe that's just because i'm talking to myself. i pinned a bug!! (dead, obviously). i'm super excited, i've always wanted to but all the bugs i come across are too crunchy. it's a small christmas beetle. i'm sad though, i haven't seen the huge christmas beetles since i was in year 5 (like 7 years ago). i miss them :(

  but! i'm sure i can hopefully see one down at my grandparent's. they always get so many christmas beetles because they live on farm land. i don't know if i'm doing well. i feel like i don't talk to mny of my friends.

  i recently found out that my HS friend group is currently all on a trip together. they didn't invite me or anything, and i guess i'm not mad about it. i'm just, kinda a little sad. i am usually an afterthought, but that is okay!! i am very used to it so it doesn't bother me as much as it used to :). uhh i don't know what else, so i think i ill be signing off until tonight or tomorrow.

  thank fuck it's already 5pm.

• 16 . 12 . 2023

  ughhsfgfhhsrfds i'm like actually going 2 put some interesting shit up here eventually i promise. christmas. so soon. ugh. usually i would b sooo excited and ig i should be, becuz it's the last christmas i'll b counted as a kid (even tho im 18).

  so i actually don't rlly have anything to complain abt. might make a section for disembodied thoughts that would b fun ! just thoughts with. no context behind them.

  cleaning most of the day, but tonight i'll (hopefully) have time for myself.

• 13 . 12 . 2023 .. again

  SO! it's still the same day, but a it feels like ages since i've updated!! it is currently 11:59.

  i have been on call for most of the day - it's been nice :) i like talking to people but sometimes i just never stfu.

  they don't seem to mind tho !!

  i'm currently playing roblox, and now it is technically the 14th of december !! i love my friends fr fr :3 KIERSN IS SO ISLLYYY

• 13 . 12 . 2023

  well!! first entry on the new website. hsc results are back tomorrow... eugh. i like laying next to them, it's warm even though they aren't there.

  i don't really know what else to say, my day has just started, so i should update this bit when it's around 9pm.

  i think the hypomania might be wearing off - i think i'm just. happy. i didn't think i'd feel happy so soon after the 18th of november. God, it's almost been a month.

  it feels easier than it should.

all of my favs!! (need 2 update)

:3 abbie :3

songs i like

my fav flowers !!!

my fav bugs :D !!!

colours that i adore

browns with any of these colours is an absolute WIN i love warm browns mixed with greens and purples and golds !!

filler

disembodied thoughts

thoughts i have sometimes (rare)

• it's interesting. the overwhelming sense of everything at once, the flood of emotions at each "whatever", at every sigh, scoff, or a glance away. I cannot say anything until everything is over. I cannot name three examples. I cannot provide an explanation. I cannot control my emotions. I cannot make decisions for myself. I cannot do things the way i wish.

  I must always tiptoe because I stomp too loud. I must always know why I do things because only I know what is in my head. I must be maintain eye contact because I am rude. I must not sigh, I must not roll my eyes, I must not be excited, I must not be sad, and God forbid I be angry at any point.

  because how could I be angry? You have provided me everything i have. I worked for nothing. I have earned nothing. Yet you still give me everything under the sun. You will buy me anything, but apparently the words "I am proud of you" don't come naturally. But truely, what is there really to be proud of?

  you know nothing about me, and you always complain, you shout at me for not speaking, but when I do, you don't listen. You scoff. You say "that's cool" and turn your head with your nose up in the air. You say it's bad timing, but there never seems to be a good time for anything with you. I attempt to make plans with you, yet you fall through. Every single time. I am going ice skating by myself tomorrow.

  you told me i didn't have to ask, that I was an adult and I could do whatever I wanted. You said to find someone to go with, but I think I will go on my own. School is on and it's a monday. I'm sure it'll be relatively quiet.

  I invited you to go to a night session, or even to go on a weekend. You said you were too tired. You said you are too busy. Yet the only time you have free, you spend it without me. But I do love you.

  I wish you put in the effort to make time for me. I know I may not be good enough for you, but I wish that for once, you would pretend I was.

• getoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyhead

• i do hate that i care so much, but it isn't enough. i care about my belongings, but never care enough to keep my room tidy. i care about my health, but i don't care enough to look before crossing the road. i care about my friends, but not enough to keep them with me. it's like there's this balance scale, and there is SO much care/don't care on either side, it's just that the "don't care" side wins almost every time. i don't know how to swing it the other way. i can't even see my floor and all i care about is when i get to sleep next

• i love being in love and i love loving so deeply. i'm in love with so much. i am in love with the way my friends say my name, i am in love with how good their hugs are, i am in love with the way tiny creatures go about their day, i am in love with my favourite lip balm, i am in love with flowers and my soft bed and i am in love with myself. :) i love loving

• the thing i find funny is that i am hyper aware of people's behaviours and tactics and intentions. not even being paranoid i just have great pattern recognition and i read people. some are harder than others. but i always figure out their worst habits. and most times it's fucking awful, i am fully aware of the patterns and signs and the fact that people do not care, yet i still wish i was different to everyone they have met, that i'm more important and that i am special.

  as if they wouldn't treat anyone else the same.

  i am fully aware i will be nothing more than a source of attention and a body to look at. which is fine i guess, i just wish people wouldn't make it out as if it would ever mean something more.

  and yet, i still find myself needing to please them in every way i can, even if i hate every single second of it. every word, every action every thought. i hate how people consume me. they become all i know and all i need and yet i will not mean a single thing. which again. is fine. but yet again, i wish it wasn't made out to be like there was ever a chance that something could happen. that there was a chance somebody could fall so deeply in love with me how i fall in love.

• it's happy new year, not happy new years i will die on that hill

• having bpd is so funny bc one moment everything is Good and Fine and then the next everything is Awful and Horrible because of one slight inconvenience and suddenly everyone hates you and you forgot to drink water again and you left the clothes in the wash and you left you untouched food on the benchtop and your drink that someone else always cleans up for you on the dining table and you left things go unsaid again. but it's okay because 9:30pm will roll around and you will have quiet in your room with no responsibilities to uphold. then you get to rot in bed without much guilt. its pretty fun !!

• it is happening again, the silly silly cycle :3. it usually happens quite a lot. but it's okay, i am used to it. time will pass and things will move along whether i like it or not.

• i'd love to move to a different country. one that is colder. to move to something brand new and leave everything behind. but i'm so afraid that here is everything i am. that the people i surround myself is all i am. without here, without my family, without friends, i am simply just. lost i think. i always get too attached to things and it's usually hard for me to move on from anything. i always find myself begging for nothing to mean the smallest of somethings. i could take the emptiest words and turn them into a garden filled with love, and i think that is my main problem, i ask for too much. i expect too much of people.

  maybe that is apart of the reason i want to move. nobody would know me, therefore i wouldn't have expectations of people who will never meet them. if i start over, it could be different. i barely talk to my friends anyway.

• GOD i need to go ice skating so badly. i love the way i feel like im gliding, i think it's the closest i will get to flying as a land creature (without jumping out of a plane or off a building). rollerblading is lovely, but it's not as smooth. i go rollerblading a lot with my dog and see the sunset. i'd like to take you ice skating, i could teach you. i think that would be fun. there's like a wall you can hold yourself up on around the rink so you don't fall but even if you did slip it would be fine bc i would skate next to u so i can catch you.

  anyways, the only think i don't like about ice skating is that 1. there are no natural ice rinks around me (obviously), and 2. i don't have my own pair, and the rental place always smells like feet :(. i would love to own my own skates, and god how i'd love to move to a cold place so i could ice skate whenever the nearby lake is frozen over enough. i don't like the heat, it makes me feel warm and i hate feeling warm because of the sun. i like the cold and i LOVE the snow.

  on a school trip i went to jindi and fuck it was so fun. mostly anyway. but i snowboarded and it was the best thing ever (asides from ice skating)

  MY POINT IS i love the snow and ice and the cold and i love lying in the snow but sometimes it is too bright.

• i think that flying would feel the same as getting to the top of a rollercoaster knowing there's a huge dip. the stomah drop and the adrenaline and everything. god i wish i was a bird that would be so cool. falcon just fucking airpunch the shit out of their other bird prey. knocks them out and catches em in the air while they r falling. teh fact they can recover so quickly from slamming into another thing at 320km/h is insane. they like. instantly just get their shit together. wish i was built like that my god. How good would it feel to just be above the clouds. and dive and to swerve and to make really fucking awesome sounds.

  fucking love birds they r so great.

• i used to believe in soulmates, and i guess i still do, but calling it soulmates is wrong. it's not something that just, IS. it's developed. it's not inherently romantic. a lot of people believe that soulmates are just your destiny, but i don't think that is right. i think my tailbone is bruised from sitting on an ucomfortable chair for the majority of the day for the past three weeks. anyway.

  it's not a very, precise and clear definition, it's more just, you know. you know. you look at that person, you see their smile and hear their laugh and listen to them talk about their day and you find pure joy in just their company. you just know. sometimes it's instant, sometimes it's a friend you've known for a long time, sometimes it's even someone you hated. i would describe it as a tug, and a tie. of course, people can have an infinite amount of ties, i think that's what humanity is all about.

  to connect and to love and to lie and to laugh and to create and to cry and to cherish. i can't remember where my original thought was going. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i do believe in souls, i believe that each person we meet we exchange a little bit of eachother. in the way we talk, in the way we hold ourselves, in our hobbies, in our methods, in every single way. i am a product of all the people i have loved and hated. everybody is. we grow and feed off of eachother, we are creatures of love, we are not born with hate in our hearts.

• am i an awful person for wanting nothing to do with her after so little time? it's only been a month, yet if i read her letters again, i wouldn't cry. i would just. shred them, probably. and i wouldn't feel guilty. am i horrible for acting like she doesn't exist? like she didn't change me and my perception of love? am i bad for walking away first, even though she ended it?

  am i cruel for ghosting after she said she still wanted me in her life, just not the way i had planned? am i awful for leaving when she still wanted me there? not allowing her to have the final say? am i awful for hating her, and not having a single bit of love left to give her?

KIYOKO TIME KIYOKO TIME